Protestantism

» paper_turtle - Being nice (Phil)

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In response to Being nice posted by pink101:
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Phil--
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I was emotionally vulnerable yesterday, having visited my father in the nursing home--a father who doesn't remember who I am, doesn't remember my children, doesn't even remember how he used to earn a living.
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Before I left for that visit, you and I were having an interesting--and I thought substantive--conversation about imagination (and various other related topics. Then I came home and found this:
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.Phil, "Recently" thread, post #21:
Well, some people appear to be here just to pass the time of day with niceties and sweetness.
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Phil, "signs and wonders" thread, post #38, in response to my message in post #37)
I'm not in a rut, but our discussion group is. I think it is because some of us want to control how others behave. I called in sweetness and niceties in another thread. Why do you come here? To have participants be sweet and nice?
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I like to be sweet and nice in relationships with people who are intimates of mine. For starters, I know their names and they know mine. We touch each other physically and we experience each others happinesses and pains. We share love with each other. My life is filled with people like that. I don't come here looking for companionship. It's good to have pleasant interactions none of which comes from being a fake. I come to gain intellectual reflections. Everything that goes on here is taking place in our heads. It's cyber space for crying out loud. What is there about that fact of reality that some of us fail to grasp?
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Phil, that felt very insulting. Under ordinary circumstances I probably would have just laughed about it, but I couldn't do that yesterday. Your remarks felt patronizing. It felt as if you were saying being nice rendered me totally incapable of carrying on a conversation in depth. In short, you seemed to be saying being nice was the antithesis of intellectualism.
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You asked if I was trying to make you be nice. You asked questions with a similar sentiment more than once. I did not specifically ask you anything. I (indirectly and implicitly) asked the participants here, ***as a whole,*** to stop behaving like bullies. This was not an unreasonable request. Verbally duking it out seems, to me, like a counter productive approach. If people are shouting at each other, they are not listening. If one person insults another the insulted person does not feel inclined to give the insulter a friendly ear.
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How is a discussion in cyber space any different than one in real life? Are you saying there should be two rules of conduct, one on the 'net and one in real life? Are you saying that only certain topics are worthy of discussion on the 'net and others are not? If that's what you're saying I have to strongly disagree.
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Phil, "signs and Wonders" thread, post #52;
So, are you saying that she didn't explain the absolute truth to you?
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That unless you accepted what she wrote, you are wrong?.
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Is that how the rest of us are suppose to interact?
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Or else we're persona non gratia?
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No. I was simply pointing out that we could disagree without verbally duking it out, and it is possible to have an intelligent discussion, on issues of substance, and still use the good manners our mothers taught us--as you and I had done earlier yesterday.
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Have I told someone else what they must believe or how they must behave in order to be legitimate? Have I been disdainful? Or did I just lay it on the line to someone who was being a bully with me? Would I have been more acceptable if I had ignored the insults and not related with him any more? Should I have patronized him?
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I' not trying to pick on you, but you did ask. In another thread you said something yesterday about something one MUST accept in order to ....
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You speak assertively, and perhaps you don't realize that sometimes this assertiveness can make (what you intend as) a simple statement seem more like an order.
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And yes, your words towards me *felt* disdainful.
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As I said above, I don't think giving back as good as you have gotten is always the most constructive approach, but that's just me. In my life I've found ignoring bullies is more effective--and not just because I'm female and not able to physically fight with a man. Bullies want attention. They bully you because they have been bullied. Giving tit for tat tells the bully his verbal arrow found its mark in your psyche--so he wins, no matter what you say (or do). Personally, I don't want to let the bully win. (wink)
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What I said in "being nice" was in response to the post you edited as I was writing that response. I can't go back and quote the words to which I responded because you erased them. Whether or not you meant what I thought you did, your words didn't feel very good. And what you left for a message makes no sense at all to me.
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peace and love,
Paper Turtle

-- posted by paper_turtle