Avoiding Codependent Parenting
How Christians Can Stop Enabling Problematic Children
It's easy to want to help a child who's always in trouble. But by being codependent, not allowing him (or her) to solve his own problems, you're actually hurting him.
When you hear the word “codependency” most often you think of spouses enabling an addicted husband or wife.
But codependency is just as big a problem when it comes to parents and their irresponsible children. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a grown child. It can be a child of any age who’s capable of doing something on their own, yet a parent continue to “help”.
Are You a Codependent Parent?
How much time to you spend dwelling on your child and his problems?
Whether you realize it or not you have an emotional tank that’s filled with something—either good or bad. An emotional tank is what fills your thoughts throughout the day. Stop and think--How much of your “emotional” tank is taken up with your child? Do you spend most of your time worrying about your child making the wrong decisions?
Do you always bail him (or her) out of trouble? That’s not to say you can’t ever help your kids. But if you repeatedly come to their rescue when they’re perfectly capable of solving their own problems you’re not helping them. On the contrary, you’re actually handicapping them.
What if Your Grown Child Can’t Make It?
Let God be the judge of that. If you continually catch them when they fall, you’re providing a cushion. But unfortunately, they need to feel the pain before realizing they need help. In other words, sometimes they need to hit bottom. Just how low that bottom is depends on many factors. Your job is not to worry about the outcome but to trust God that He’s in charge and fully capable of handling your child.
Enabling Takes Away Self Respect
When you rush in and always “help” your child you may be providing a temporary bandage. But you’re also robbing him. Besides taking away the chance to learn and grow from his own mistakes, you’re robbing him of self respect. If he says he doesn’t have the money for rent simply say,…”I have confidence that you can work out your problem.” Then leave it in God’s hands.
Bring Your Child to God
When you were small and had a broken toy did you take it to your father to fix? It’s the same with God. You need to carry your troubled child to Jesus and leave him at the foot of the cross for God to put back the pieces together. Barbara Johnson in her book, “Stick a Geranium in the Your Hat and Be Happy” beautifully illustrated this with a picture of God on the throne and a strung-out parent handing over a trouble child.
But My Child is Unstable
This was the excuse given by a well-meaning mother when confronted by drug rehabilitation counselor when asked why her 29-year-old son was still at home and wasn’t supporting himself. “Hey,” the drug counselor laughed. “All the residents here (at the rehab) are mentally ill, but they still have to work.”
How to Overcome Codependency
Overcoming codependency begins when you stop focusing on the child who always needs help. Instead, focus on your recovery from codependency. When you’re in a codependent relationship to anyone, you’re just as sick as the person you’re trying to “help.”
Find a 12-step group of parents also struggling with their children. Ask your Chamber of Commerce, your church or search online for a group. Even if your child is not an alcoholic, groups such as Alanon can teach you basic 12-step principles for recovering from codependency. Chances are, as you begin to recover and get healthy, your child will also begin to change.
